immcupidi's Datingish

STRESSED

Tue, 10 Mar 2009 13:12:10 GMT

Friday... pregnancy scare. only test im glad my girlfriend failed.
Monday...ran for President of school organization...and won.
Tuesday...Meeting with Provost regarding rescission of my scholarship, i.e. cost me $12,500 MORE a semester.
Wednesday...get a paper back worth a 3rd of my grade
Thursday Give my first deposition. (and utterly unprepared been getting yelled at all week).
Friday the 13th
Monday- Court date about speeding ticket which could result in 2 points on license and hundreds of dollars in fines.

Let's hope I keep my scholarship today...

/edit

hear back about scholarship by the end of the week

29/30 on my paper!

and deposition rescheduled for 2 weeks!

and court date for speeding ticket rescheduled!

/edit

SCHOLARSHIP RETAINED ! I must have a guardian angel. Just keep looking over me... I need a 3.33 this semester. But would love, love, love a 4.0

Consider this an open prayer, thanks so muchh dear God!

I'm just not that into you!

Fri, 27 Feb 2009 15:06:34 GMT

Is it ever that simple. It's like dating is this game in which only the female players get a rule book. Men are forced into a place where we have to be ambigous about good things, and forceful about bad things. Why? Because if we say we are going to call you at 6:00, that all of a sudden becomes a binding contract in which you think you are entitled to some type of remedy even if circumstances render it impossible for that call to be made at 6. Get over it. So now, I've been trained to say, I'll talk to you later. Oh, the ever so profitable ambiguity that gives my mind peace.

But any ambiguities in something negative get disregarded. So when it comes to telling a friend, they are just a friend-- and will forever remain a friend-- it requires being blunt, sometimes painfully so. Why does it have to be this way? Why if a man is nice to a woman for any extended period of time, she is mentally picking out wedding dresses? I will never understand.

But women have this coded language that even they themselves don't understand, and despite reading pages upon pages and endless arguments and discussions. I feel no closer to understanding in fact, I feel farther away. Example-- how do you know a woman is not interested. If you get referred to with any sibling like nickname, and/or compared to her female friends-- you are dead in the water. Pack it up, game over. Perhaps ther are exceptions to the rule-- but let's be honest-- short of coming into some serious cash, or finding anothr girl u treat so well, that she ends up feeling stupid and jealous, or a total makeover (all of which most times do nothing for you being "just like a lil brother,") she will be doing her hair whenever you ask her to go out, or on the other line whenever you call her, saving she has a problem w/ another guy she wants to pour on to you.

But for the most part, She's just not into you. Is almost identical to-- she is really into you. The external behavior is almost the same-- but what's going inside who the hell knows? It was an okay movie-- but really who wants to be anyone in the film-- relationships-- things we all seem to be fighting for can't be oversimplified and wrapped up in a neat lil' kiss wherein he leans in, and she tilts her head to the side, both eyes closed envisioning this invariable, wedded bliss. But I was glad to see the flick was not overly Disney-fied, and did bear some semblance with reality:

The milk dries up when you buy the cow, if he lies to you about little things dont put it past him to lie about bigger things, ultimatums work-- for a short time, their is always someone prettier than you, don't be insecure about it he probably doesn care,don't ever assume a guy likes you, especially if you like him, because now the lens ur viewing evrything he does with is drastically obscurred, women's intution is a bitch-- she probly knows ur guna do something wrong before you do. Marriage is nevr the cure, but cud very well be the problem.

No More Hanky Panky?

Mon, 05 Jan 2009 15:10:43 GMT

Yesterday made one week without any type of sexual activity. I'm happy. As a man I think there are all types of double standards as it relates to sex and I want out.

Women are brought up with the notion of don't give up the milk, without making a sale for the cow.
But-- the problem w/ this line of thinking is that the MILK does NOT come free. So many strings are attached to the milk it's as though a spider has captured the milk for the kill. The milk is just not worth it.

Not to mention my sexual appetite has grown to all but insatiable levels. I found myself doing things I would never have considered before. Sex in a movie theater with people literally sitting in the same row. Or up against the door of the movie theater. With absolutely no protection.

My fantasies and actions have grown farther and farther from the "norm." Considering adding things, like annilingus, and sex while she's on her period to the playbook was a bit of a tip off that maybe I need to get out of the game for awhile. (Not knocking those who do, but just a few months ago I'm sure I would've been disgusted by ME doing these things, now just seems like a walk in the park.. lol).

Not to mention I HATE condoms. And they apparently hate me. And after some exploration there seems to be no other viable forms of protection, except the most heavily recommended-- abstinence.

So at 21 I am going into penis retirement...
Benefits?
100% effective birth control.
Regain some control of my sexual prowess.
Maybe reduce how much I care about sex, which I think it already has.
Get reacquainted with myself -=)
Free up some time.
Better concentration? this cuts both ways though sometimes since not having sex can be more distracting.
NO more pregnancy tests, or day after pills.
No more frantic waiting for her irregular period.
No more being made to feel like I am pressuring ne1 to do nething, because it was nevr that deep neway.
Really the last of three options 1.) not caring 2.) wanting to and now 3.) NOT wanting to.

What I'm not looking forward to?
-Wet dreams, ther is no reminder that you're not getting laid then waking up to surprise-- ur penis had sex without you last night. And now you have to clean it up...I sleep naked -=/
-I do alot of reading and when it touches on sexual subject matter I often learn things I want to try, I guess that's out.
-Whatever change it inevitably will have on my relationship.
-Temptation? Although I think for sex I may operate more like an on/off switch, and definitely firmly in the off position right now.

Oh well, I guess we'll see how this goes. I went 16 years without sex. But once I started boy has it been hard to stop. But I've only had 2 partners. And I don't think either were under the most ideal circumstances which I guess would be marriage (which I am not sure I want to do-- so I don't know how ideal that'd be for me). Or with the capacity of being able to raise children-- also not met. Or with equal sexual experience-- (I've always considered myself the "new learner," although neither partner agreed but I think that has more to do w/ women needing to be/feel virginal than our actual experience but who knows.) So maybe I am closing up shop.. indefinitely?

Sincerely,
Nervous-New-Abstainer -=/

1/08/09 -- mission aborted lol.

Are women really insatiable?

Sat, 20 Dec 2008 17:23:27 GMT

I feel women are insatiable. I feel as soon as I get one thing down. A new complaint stems from it. I think there is an eternal tight rope that men are expected to walk, jog, or run across on the whims of a woman. Because afterall a woman wants what she wants. And if it so happens that she wants the impossible, it is up to that man, or in this case, this man, to make the impossible happen or hear about his shortcomings.

Now I do alot for a relationship. And yes for a relationship. Money, time, energy, sleep all sacrifices I have been ready and willing to make in order to make things work. But my question is always-- will it ever be enough?

More and more on television, in music, I see the theme that women want EVERYTHING. And I am better than what I was before. But the push to be this prince charming is still being made... and I am no prince charming. In fact, I think I am closer to the frog.

I can talk about the positives I have. I love women in general. The way they walk, talk, smell... taste. I can be a true gentleman or a savage. I open doors and I don't mind all the domestic crap. I'll take out garbage, wash dishes, shovel snow-- because my mom had to do all of that stuff, and the fact my father did not, made him less of a man in my eyes.

But the negatives (trust me, a much more numerous list) include: I don't like the mushmush. Maybe all it took was that first heartbreak. Maybe I'm just over it. Maybe I don't think it makes a difference. Maybe it's one of those things where it just hurts too bad to have it criticized. So you won't hear me saying things like I love you gooberpop, sugarplum, pumpkintit.

And I guess the tension comes from, who wants to be with a woman who you feel like is unsatisfied? Especially when she did seem MUCH more satisifed before she got the thing she wanted more than anything-- the title and exclusivity. I remember when I believed just that would be enough to keep her happy. Dumb right.

I just don't see why I have to change. If I do more than what I am doing now, won't it just feel like work? Like wearing a uniform. Showing up, clocking in, and never...ever clocking out. When we were just friends I got her a bookbag and she practically lit up. I got her perfume and she loved it. I bought a diamond necklace, and while she appreciated it, the first thing she noticed was that the card wasn't heavily inscribed. And again I can't be mad at that. She's always been the type of girl where sentiment weighed more heavily than materiality. But the sentiment was there. I don't know who wants to keep trying and keep failing? Especially if each thing feels like a gamble. And you sit there and see if maybe you've got a winner... and you don't.

But I guess I don't know where these requirements settled into the relationship. And although most people wouldn't call them requirements I don't know what else to refer to them as.

You don't call enough.

You don't say I love you enough.

You don't write to me anymore.

You don't treat me like a queen.

But, I guess it's hard not to feel like the emphasis is always on what I don't do. Rather than what I do-do, my dooties (said with a Chandler giggle). But guess can only try harder right. Just wish women came with a handbook, becomes sometimes it just feels like a fight with the impossible...

Penis v. The Condom Round II

Tue, 09 Dec 2008 18:33:50 GMT

Round I.

I have the misfortune of beginning my life as a sexual being without the age old prophylactic. My ex-girlfriend could have been reading the lines right out of one of those "Just Say No" commercials.

She would tell me how she was ready. And it was time. So then the time came. And..so did I. But never with that thin layer of plastic between us. I hated it, well--as much as you can hate unprotected sex. But, it made me feel irresponsible.

I remember I told my best friend. And he told a female friend of ours. T'was like the most embarassing thing ever. Ugh. Anyway so I tried to push for the use of the jimmy hat, for then little jimmy, (I lost my virginity when I was 16) but apparently they made her "itch." So, the push was just of a cart out of WalMart...while the colorful, flavored, vibrating, penis protectors remained on the shelf.

Around my 20th birthday, the teenage, and the love, of our teenage love affair had come to a close. Leaving, well just the affair. And then it was suggested "Hey buddy, your sticking your buddy in a sex buddy, but she might have other buddies too."

As far as I know I was the only buddy. But I thought it was time to get little jimmy checked out. Dr. said I was crazy. I had only had sex with one person (and to my knowledge) we were both virgins, and had only been with one another.

Long story short. My penis was safe.

Now, I have been in a new relationship for a year. If something can be new for a year.. but yup.

Still no glove during the love.

To my credit. I tried once, twice even? But trojans are apparently not made for me. It looked kinda like if you tried to put a rubber band around a turkey.

But Round II

Me, Magnum, and madness.

I just hope he doesn't suffocate in there...

That Sweater Makes You Look Gay...

Fri, 05 Dec 2008 16:22:16 GMT

Hm,

At first blush I was pissed off. And then I got over it. Thought about it some more. And decided to discuss it. On the eve of my 1st law school final this semester. Great decision making on my part I know. But, I guess that conversation went just about as well as any-- where a boyfriend is told he looks gay by his girlfriend.

Hey, I like the sweater but can admit it is a bit on the effeminate side. Needless to say, it has been relegated to the bottom drawer. But, still a hard pill to swallow.

I went to therapy a couple of weeks ago. The combination of law school, a long distance relationship, and being financially unstable drove even me, the once emotionally stoic, to the couch.

She had some enlightening things to say. I may have referred to my girlfriend as "critical." But I don't think she is critical or even difficult as she (the gf) asked me yesterday. I think she is just the most criticial, difficult person I have dated. But that may be saying more about me than her. Or her being more honest with me than others ---her line of argument. Which basically reads to me like... everyone sees the gayness I see but some people just don't feel they have the right to tell you. Which basically to me feels like...ouch...

I am generally that guy. You know the one. Loved and adored by all. But with this one, all the things I was very much secure in, I no longer am. Okay not all. There are still some areas that I feel very much in my domain. But, it's bad enough that I have these insecurities but she pretty much confirms many of them knowingly or unknowingly.

I am in law school so surplus time for the gym is slim pickings. But she hit me with the "you've gained some weight since we got together." Which threw me for a loop because prior to us getting together I was told I was "too skinny." But yeah I feel sloppy. I'm not fat, but the 6 pack of my high school and college years has died at the hands of the breakfast of champions/ law school students:

Hot dogs and Red Bull.

Now the sexual orientation stuff, I am good on. I am very straight. I like women and all of their finer parts. A day without staring at cleavage is a day unfulfilled as far as I am concerned. But, I have been known to do things that culturally are identified with the gay community. I had my tongue pierced, and I dress extremely well. But, my girlfriend pointed out some other things I never really thought of as "gay." I have good posture and have been known to wear a "s/medium" shirt or two. Apparently, if my t-shirt is so, to borrow from the hood, "young," that my belt shows, that is "not a good look."

I can vibe with that. Also I wore open-toe sandals. Which is a-ok if you're a white male, but perfectly homosexual if you are a black male. I've since retired those sandals... despite the love and comfort they once provided.

So what the problem is? Well I don't mind not doing things that she perceives as gay. Because if she did something I thought was butch I'd probably call her on it. But the problem is where do you draw the line?

Especially since the things she considers gay, I obviously did not. And the things I consider gay, or at least effeminate (i.e. big guys at a skating rink, and "male dancers," and braids, mostly because they result in men saying "I'm going to get my hair did" are all pretty much based on cultural differnces) and she thinks they are perfectly normal.

But I think gay/straight as it relates to us...is black/white

White guy: sandals, tongue piercing, smedium shirt, good posture, dressed well... don't think twice...

Black guy: sandals, tongue piercing, smedium shirt, good posture, dressed well...gay!

(i'm not questioning this either i'd prob think the same thing why 3 out of 5 have been retired, but slouching hurts and i look too good in a suit lol.)

White guy: braids, male dancer, at a skating rink...maybe not gay, but definitely weird lol.

Black guy: braids, male dancer, at a skating rink dont think twice..

So maybe comes down to race not sexuality...and when I wake up I see white people and have since I was 12. I think I am one of 3 black guys in my class of 300 here (law school). Was one of 5 of collegiate class of about 30 (about 16% most black ppl i've had class with) where she (16% of blacks being among the fewest black ppl in one of her classes) and I met. And was one of probably 3, in a sr. class of 240 at my HS. So guess food for thought.

So therein lays the problem. Or at least the first one. As you can tell I am not too happy about the gay comment. But I think the problem that underlies it for me, is that the whole relationship seems to have brought out some "feminine qualities" in me that I'm not so comfortable with.

My woman is a young professional. Which in many ways has domesticated me. Further, she's the bread winner. And despite once holding the belief that I'd be alright with a woman making more money than me-- I was wrong. No, I want to make more money. And I am in stupid non-paying, debt-accruing law school which pretty much prevents that-- WHOLESALE. At one point, I would've been okay with that exhibited some patience about it. But that version of me has passed into the past. And this is one thing where I am utterly ANXIOUS, and IMPATIENT but am working on "tolerance" and "acceptance" lol. Plus sometimes this relationship makes me feel emotional and vulnerable both of which are extremely ugly words to me.

And alot of the things I used to enjoy.. have been tainted! Like for me kissing is this carefree, physical expression affection. But don't necessarily see eye to eye on that either. (Whereas I might be something of a "kissing slut," w/ kissing partners I can count on not one, but 2 hands!) She's kissed like 1/2 a person. Obviously showing the significance of kissing to her. Not to mention she's got these lips that guys are like willing to kill for, so a kiss from her is like you know you're hot stuff.

So I am proud of the fact she chose me to share her kisses with. But it's been a year and I still get like this, pang of intimidation every so often when the kiss is supposed to happen. Like when you are at the starting line, or on the starting block:

You see the guy raise the start gun. But your heart still jumps as soon as it goes off. Ugh.

So there's that. That of course being my insecurities of the day. lol.