Hm,
At first blush I was pissed off. And then I got over it. Thought about it some more. And decided to discuss it. On the eve of my 1st law school final this semester. Great decision making on my part I know. But, I guess that conversation went just about as well as any-- where a boyfriend is told he looks gay by his girlfriend.
Hey, I like the sweater but can admit it is a bit on the effeminate side. Needless to say, it has been relegated to the bottom drawer. But, still a hard pill to swallow.
I went to therapy a couple of weeks ago. The combination of law school, a long distance relationship, and being financially unstable drove even me, the once emotionally stoic, to the couch.
She had some enlightening things to say. I may have referred to my girlfriend as "critical." But I don't think she is critical or even difficult as she (the gf) asked me yesterday. I think she is just the most criticial, difficult person I have dated. But that may be saying more about me than her. Or her being more honest with me than others ---her line of argument. Which basically reads to me like... everyone sees the gayness I see but some people just don't feel they have the right to tell you. Which basically to me feels like...ouch...
I am generally that guy. You know the one. Loved and adored by all. But with this one, all the things I was very much secure in, I no longer am. Okay not all. There are still some areas that I feel very much in my domain. But, it's bad enough that I have these insecurities but she pretty much confirms many of them knowingly or unknowingly.
I am in law school so surplus time for the gym is slim pickings. But she hit me with the "you've gained some weight since we got together." Which threw me for a loop because prior to us getting together I was told I was "too skinny." But yeah I feel sloppy. I'm not fat, but the 6 pack of my high school and college years has died at the hands of the breakfast of champions/ law school students:
Hot dogs and Red Bull.
Now the sexual orientation stuff, I am good on. I am very straight. I like women and all of their finer parts. A day without staring at cleavage is a day unfulfilled as far as I am concerned. But, I have been known to do things that culturally are identified with the gay community. I had my tongue pierced, and I dress extremely well. But, my girlfriend pointed out some other things I never really thought of as "gay." I have good posture and have been known to wear a "s/medium" shirt or two. Apparently, if my t-shirt is so, to borrow from the hood, "young," that my belt shows, that is "not a good look."
I can vibe with that. Also I wore open-toe sandals. Which is a-ok if you're a white male, but perfectly homosexual if you are a black male. I've since retired those sandals... despite the love and comfort they once provided.
So what the problem is? Well I don't mind not doing things that she perceives as gay. Because if she did something I thought was butch I'd probably call her on it. But the problem is where do you draw the line?
Especially since the things she considers gay, I obviously did not. And the things I consider gay, or at least effeminate (i.e. big guys at a skating rink, and "male dancers," and braids, mostly because they result in men saying "I'm going to get my hair did" are all pretty much based on cultural differnces) and she thinks they are perfectly normal.
But I think gay/straight as it relates to us...is black/white
White guy: sandals, tongue piercing, smedium shirt, good posture, dressed well... don't think twice...
Black guy: sandals, tongue piercing, smedium shirt, good posture, dressed well...gay!
(i'm not questioning this either i'd prob think the same thing why 3 out of 5 have been retired, but slouching hurts and i look too good in a suit lol.)
White guy: braids, male dancer, at a skating rink...maybe not gay, but definitely weird lol.
Black guy: braids, male dancer, at a skating rink dont think twice..
So maybe comes down to race not sexuality...and when I wake up I see white people and have since I was 12. I think I am one of 3 black guys in my class of 300 here (law school). Was one of 5 of collegiate class of about 30 (about 16% most black ppl i've had class with) where she (16% of blacks being among the fewest black ppl in one of her classes) and I met. And was one of probably 3, in a sr. class of 240 at my HS. So guess food for thought.
So therein lays the problem. Or at least the first one. As you can tell I am not too happy about the gay comment. But I think the problem that underlies it for me, is that the whole relationship seems to have brought out some "feminine qualities" in me that I'm not so comfortable with.
My woman is a young professional. Which in many ways has domesticated me. Further, she's the bread winner. And despite once holding the belief that I'd be alright with a woman making more money than me-- I was wrong. No, I want to make more money. And I am in stupid non-paying, debt-accruing law school which pretty much prevents that-- WHOLESALE. At one point, I would've been okay with that exhibited some patience about it. But that version of me has passed into the past. And this is one thing where I am utterly ANXIOUS, and IMPATIENT but am working on "tolerance" and "acceptance" lol. Plus sometimes this relationship makes me feel emotional and vulnerable both of which are extremely ugly words to me.
And alot of the things I used to enjoy.. have been tainted! Like for me kissing is this carefree, physical expression affection. But don't necessarily see eye to eye on that either. (Whereas I might be something of a "kissing slut," w/ kissing partners I can count on not one, but 2 hands!) She's kissed like 1/2 a person. Obviously showing the significance of kissing to her. Not to mention she's got these lips that guys are like willing to kill for, so a kiss from her is like you know you're hot stuff.
So I am proud of the fact she chose me to share her kisses with. But it's been a year and I still get like this, pang of intimidation every so often when the kiss is supposed to happen. Like when you are at the starting line, or on the starting block:
You see the guy raise the start gun. But your heart still jumps as soon as it goes off. Ugh.
So there's that. That of course being my insecurities of the day. lol.
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